13 March 2009

Boy Girl Relationship - Is God in the picture too?

This was from the seminar in which Pastor Gloria Wong talked about regarding boy/girl relationships from her own experience and also the Word of God. Material is based from the outline and also the understanding in which she has give to all who attended. Before i proceed I would like to clarify that I am not trying to spiritualize this BGR topic but it is as with reference to God's very own Words. The things presented are very general as its too big a topic to talk about (let alone blog about). I will hereby blog from my personal understanding as i heard the preaching.

Alrite.....may i have a show of hands (if any), anyone single? Anyone married? Anyone in a relationship? Whoever raised their hands, this is all for you. =)

Firstly lets get this straight : MOST of us are single and available yes? And we sort of have this inner calling to get hitched one day. Meaning we need to find someone to fill that gap. But some others however choose to stay single. They dont seem to have that desire to find a life partner. As we go on we will see more details. So lets start with the very BASIC of questions first :

1. WHAT and WHOM to seek?
In 1 Corinthians 7:27 in the Bible, this part talks about "seeking". If u are married thats good. Then dont seek to get out of it. But if you are single, dont SEEK to find a wife. In this context "seek" meaning run after. We should not run after marriage OR run after to catch a girl like a lion would chase a zebra.

We have desires and feelings to find a life partner (gf, wife) and that is normal, healthy feelings for every human. BUT dont rush. At all costs. Why?

Turn to Adam in the Bible and u will read that he did NOT run after Eve. Eve came when he was sleeping (ea Relaxed). God provided Adam a helper and wife without Adam having to lift a finger.But does that mean we all go to sleep and not do anything? Waiting for God to just drop a wife on us? NO as well.
Proverbs 18:22 says those who can find a wife is a good thing and obtains favour from God.

But you see the word FIND here in context means not searching. Rather, it means DISCOVER along the path of your life. You dont focus so much on the searching and get all tired coz of one perfect girl/guy u trying to locate with your poorly built internal radar. But when u are walking along the path of life, along the way you will discover many potential people sometimes by the most surprising of ways. And better still, IF you were doing the things of God and you found someone along the way, thats great.

Single life is actually a special time when u can give your whole entire self and being without any distractions to God. Seriously. But that doesnt mean when u are hooked with someone you should pay less attention to God. No.

NOTE 1 : Before you ask God for someone to take care for, firstly take care of God Himself. Meaning love and serve Him. Loving God increases ones ability and capacity to love people, especially those closest to us. Also if you cannot learn to love God who created us, how are we going to love the people He also created?

NOTE 2 : Do not seek contentment in a love relationship. Get contented with God first. Give all your struggles (sexual, relational, emotional, feelings) to Him first and let Him check those things in His list. He will provide those u gave Him back to you in a right way.

NOTE 3 : Do not get into a relationship just because u feel lonely, u need someone who understands you, peer pressure, or pure desperation. Love relationships are not the key to inner contentment. Having the love of Jesus is. Why? Simply because no possible human can possibly satisfy all the needs of another soul. If you cannot attain contentment as a single individual, you will never reach in in a relationship and even in marriage.

Only God can fill the deepest longings of the human heart.

2. WHAT to DO while waiting?
i)Commit to personal growth
I find this very practical indeed. Since we are still waiting n got nothing better to do, why not try to make ourselves ready before others so that when the right one comes along, we are in the RIGHT zone to handle. And people who commit to personal growth will live by God's Word and seek a godly lifestyle. Who wouldnt want someone who is truly essentially good as a whole being? I can tell you this as much : MEN/GUYS should live a correct good Godly life if you really want to be ablle to attract the opposite sex. Vice versa as well. A good example would be ready to admit mistakes, be humble, be honest and truthful, willing to receive and give help, seeking God's help for change etc. These are just basic things men n women SHOULD have always.

ii)Develope healthy self-esteem
A person with low self-esteem gleans a sense of worth from people they are with. They want attention and often will resent or get jealous when their mate is interacting with another person. Therefore they try to get attention and love in order to feel secure and feel needed. But always they will feel insecure very easily. Eg : Girls, when ur BF talks to another girl. How would you feel?
On the other hand, a person with high self-esteem loves others because they are secure about themselves and can love and be loved very easily. This is when the person realized that it is God's love that is far more important than anything else. Simply because God IS Love and Life springs forth from those who genuinely loves.

iii) Develope positive attitudes on life
Your not going to grumble and rant , self pitty, regret about mistakes u've made in the past are you? Come on. Put the past behind. A good sense of humour is a good positive attitude. Not judging others and not being too critical. And dont hold others responsible for your own happiness as if they owe it to you! No one owes us love. But we always owe to love others as ourselves.

iv) Be mature, truthful and responsible
Let yourself be able to handle things with FULL responsibility. Taking care of yourself is a good way to learn how to be responsible for yourself. And maturity will follow suit. Maturity doesnt really come with age these days. You can be a 40yr old baby. However u can be a 20yr old man. Maturity comes with the ACCEPTANCE of responsibility. Which is why i will say this again, most young relationships (under 18yrs old) are NOT suitable to be continued simply because the amount of responsibilities are too much to bear at this stage in life. Anything can happen. It takes time.

Also ask yourself : Do I respect other's feelings? Do I do the right things that im supposed to do (eg study and work)? Do I avail and take responsibility rather than make lame excuses? Am I truthful?

Aspire to be someone whose actions match your words. Even if its a small action, matching it word for word makes people see that you are able to hold responsibility and be trustful. And it clears alot of misunderstanding. Also please put all your egos and pride aside. This is not the place nor the time to be someone you are not.

3. Good Dating Philosophy Ideas
i) Keep your motives in check
You have to be real honest and ask yourself these few questions : "Why do i want to date this guy/girl?", "Are my motives selfish or loving?", "Is it just coz im lonely and i want company?" , "I want to prove that i can go out with the best looking person?" , "I want a free meal and gifts always?". Ultimately please ask yourself , "WOULD GOD AGREE WITH THIS GOAL?"

Honestly if u seek for a perfect wonderful has-it-all-in-my-checklist girl/guy, do you think for one minute, that if you are not up to his/her standard, you really think he/she wana go out with you? Surely they will want to find an even better or same quality person. No? Its just not right to ask something like that. Be humble, and have a right mind.

ii)Dont date for the sake of dating!
Your purpose to date is not to impress or feel good. Dont feel pressurize to date and DONT pressurize others to date as well! Men, guys when you are alone with a girl eating together u may think its a normal meal kinda thing, but she MAY think otherwise! So be careful. Please let your intentions be known. If its just socializing and fellowship, do go in a group.

iii) Date those who have Jesus at the center of their lives
Well this may be most applicable to bros n sis in Christ. Simply coz in 2 Corinthians 6:14 it says do not be unequally burdened for what has lawlessness have to do with righteousness and what has light have to do with darkness. Now I am absolutely not putting any unbeliever down. But the central core of it is that it is quite impractical to have two people of two totally different beliefs to date each other (Let alone get married). I can testify that with my own family but not here and not now. Will you compromise God for the sake of a girls/guys heart? Has God ever compromised to love you? So beware when being romantically involved as there are possibilties of your walk with God cut shorter. You must be able to know, "Is this relationship helping me know and grow closer to God? Or otherwise?" , "Is it distracting me or encouraging me spiritually?"

iv) Give up your rights to sex n marriage
Yes you heard me, give them up. But to God of course. Let God take control of your sex life and marriage. Guys we are guys. We know what we go tru everyday. Im one of you, okay? No matter how hard we try, its very tiring. Giving it to God and let Him take the control puts our hearts and emotions at rest at least. Girls same as well. We give all our appetite to God and He will give us the fulfillment back in a good proper way.

The one reason why premaritial sex is so prevalent nowdays is because couples in a relationship dont submit to God. Dont get me wrong, sex is good and healthy and intended by God as a fullfillment between MARRIED couples. Only married couples should enjoy sex as it is the only feeling in the world that brings us intimately closer to our spouses. It is suppose to be special that no one else has it. Random free meaningless sex just takes away that privilege and spice of love.

v) Take your time to develope non romantic relationships
Like i said earlier, take your time to discover the many potential people around you. Dont rush and dont be worried that the one that u like may be robbed or taken away. If you rush to get/find that perfect person your going to be dissapointed.

If it has happened its ok. God will help u find a suitable one for you. He is afterall the Creator. Friendships should come first. Coz then u will see and discover the good and bad sides of a person in a less akward and more relaxed way. Be available to friendship but keep urself purely for your spouse ONLY. Guys and girls, its okay to have more friends of the opposite sex.

vi) Determine to please God in all your relationships
When u can please God with your relationships with others, automatically others will be pleased with you as well, plus blessings flow for all parties.

vii) Get your life straightened out as much as possible first
If you cant handle and iron out all those things which make u tumble and always emo in life, how would you expect to handle the even more unironed out things in a relationship. Out of the pan and into the fire. Seek God for healing and renewal and restoration from all past hurts and sins.

When u have managed to iron out as much of your life and be right with God and be right with yourself and others, you can be able to tackle most other things. Being prepared is important. Of course no one can be 100% ready for anything, but thats why God is best included in the picture to help. Dont be surprised there will be a line of girls lining up (or vice versa) when ones life is truly on the right track and according to God's guidance.


4. SUGGESTED Dating progression
Step 1
Be honest to yourself if u have romantic feeligns or intentions. Dont hide from yourself and others by claiming to be "just friends".

Step 2
When u realize step 1, seek God FIRST! Submit all your feelings, love resume's, etc to Him and let Him check your homework. Do not wait till u two are tangled in the relationship and too involved to hear a clear NO from Him if He wants to speak to you that way. It is best to get a proper guidance from God's Word on relationships first.

Step 3
Always have Jesus at the centre of your life. He gave it all for us first. Stop being an emotional prostitute (Falling in love with everyone you date). Always keep emotions in check with God.

Step 4
Communicate or let someone higher than you know of your feelings and intentions. For Christians do consult your cell leaders, church elders, pastors etc for clarity and guidance. They will be glad to help and cover you in prayer. For others u may approach someone who is already married or in a good solid long term relationship. Christian relationships are often a good place to start coz chances are they followed most of what I said in this blog.

Another reason is coz a higher rank or third party person can help you to keep things in objective perception. Once ur in a relationship, somehow the ability to see things objectively is blurred a little. Sharing with others also brings the relationship into light where everyone can help out, instead of being in the dark and directionless and preventing from temptations+confusions. Do not be shy about the relationship. We need all the help we can get especially if it comes to a life partner =)

After the 4 steps above are done, ONLY then proceed to step 5.

Step 5.
Communicate/Tell/talk with the person about your romantic feelings to him/her.

Yes, this is by right the last step. Though many will take this as the first step to do, sadly. Doesnt anyone remember , "Save the best for last"?.

Ask God for the right timing to tell/express your feelings. Be careful not to frighten the person. By right men should lead the way and innitiate. And therefore dont drag your feet into it nor dont be too serious as well and make it sound like the world is ending. Be clear and always be relaxed about the whole thing. God is in control. Communicate unselfishly and wisely. Dont use God's name as an excuse that you two are meant to be together. God gave a freewill to choose and decide. The most He can do is give you signs and signals.

Guys also please do give the choice and liberty to the lady to opt out of the relationship if she doesnt feel like being in it. If it is really God's intention for this relationship to go on, you can always count on Him to help. If its not, why go into deeper unnecessary trouble?

Be respectful to one another and always keep the relationship well defined. Reveal and talk constantly about the progress and direction on the relationship as time goes by. When to get married? Careers? Children? Etc. Always keep them updated with one another to eliminate and prevent feelings of doubt and insecurity.

Lastly I would like to mention, should any of you want to be single for the rest of your lives, it is also a good thing. But dont let it be out of fear or hatred or other negative motives that u dont want to be in a relationship with another person. The main reason should be that u are all out ONLY for God and to be purely for Him. You dont want to be distracted or tied down so that u can further expand His kingdom and do His works. God did say blessed is he who is single but also blessed is he who has a wife. So its all good in the end.

With that the seminar ends. I tried my best to depict as much as talked by Ps Gloria, but its just too much. I had to shorten this down, but essentials are in here to check on BGR's should any of you feel like getting into or progressing further.

So the answer to the heading, should God be in the picture too on your courtship/date/wedding? Yes with a capital Y. For certain of course.

May this bring more understanding and clarity to all.
God Bless You


Charity Liaw said...

Thanks a lot! Appreciate it ~

aloner said...

Excellent advice :)

Anonymous said...

Hi there Darren, very well said...Amen!

- sabrina -

Anonymous said...

Hi bro, all well said....AMEN!!!

- sabrina -

Thato said...

Hi. Well said, i blv i had 2 read dat nw. U jst helpd me out of an error i ws abt 2 mke.

All thanks 2 God.

Stay blessed.

Anonymous said...

very helpful bro. refocuses the thoughts on the Lord ;)